Hide and Seek

I'm thinking about intimacy today. The Garden of Eden gives us a glimpse of how life was meant to be. People created for God's pleasure, enjoying the beauty and bounty of the land, in perfect communion with God. The Bible says they were naked and unashamed. They knew fundamentally that everything they were, everything they had was derived from God. He was their source and Creator- nothing was hidden from Him.

When sin was introduced, perfection was lost. With the Fall came shame and covering. The covering of intimate parts symbolized a loss of innocence and a loss of intimacy with God.

Fast-forward thousands of years and we humans have perfected the art of covering our unsightly bits. We build masks to keep others from seeing who we really are. Perfectionism, arrogance, sarcasm, a biting wit, bullying, deflection, and being the martyr all act as barriers preventing others from getting close; and they are pretty darn effective.

In Western culture, people have an innate fear of being uncovered before God and before others. Fear of rejection and ridicule run deep. We'll do just about anything to avoid being "found out," seen and ultimately rejected. Sitting behind our masks and walls, we can trick ourselves into believing that God can't see our true selves. That He, too, is oblivious to what's really going on deep down.

It reminds me of playing Hide and Seek with a toddler who thinks they're invisible when they cover their eyes. We exclaim, "You can't see me!" as our Father looks on with loving and knowing eyes.

As in the garden, who we are and all that we have come from Him. He is our Father and He isn't surprised by who we are or the choices we make. The secret faults and failures we work so hard to bury are like cancers to our souls. The Great Physician wants to dig out those pathogens and heal us from the inside out, but He can't deal with what we won't acknowledge.

For the inside work to be done, we must be laid bare, inert before the Lord and allow Him to do what only He can do. It takes courage to be that vulnerable, but that's where healing takes place.

For many, the thought of confessing our faults and failings to God is a terrifying thing. We conjure thoughts of a mighty judge with a huge and heavy hammer.

Romans 2:4 says, "Don’t you realize how patient he is being with you? Or don’t you care? Can’t you see that he has been waiting all this time without punishing you, to give you time to turn from your sin? His kindness is meant to lead you to repentance."

His kindness leads us to repentance. His patience gives us time to turn to Him. His motive is not to catch us red-handed or expose us to ridicule, but to lovingly remove the things that cause us to be isolated and hurt.

1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

When we allow our fear to block us from intimacy, we lose out. If we can open ourselves up to love, it will drive out whatever remains of fear. Love will heal, soothe and make us whole. True intimacy leads to fearlessness and freedom. Isn't that what we are all looking for?

My Kingdom for Some Answers!

Four weeks ago I wrote a blog entitled, "Upgrading my House of Straw." In it I said. "If God wants the NGO job idea to happen, it will. But instead of wracking my brain to figure out how all of this is gonna work-out, I'm going to 'hear His words and do them.'" The day that blog went live, I got a call from a multinational aide organization, requesting an interview. Within 24 hours I was offered a temporary consultancy position, working from home here in Belize. Finally, the answer I'd been seeking!

There were some roadblocks to my being hired, among them my immigration status and foreign bank account. I hurriedly set about completing the steps I could, to secure a work permit. After a long day of standing in line, filling out forms and driving from one office to another, my part of the application was complete: background check, stamps, passport photos, you name it. I couldn't believe how quickly my life could change! I went from being clueless about my next steps, to almost employed within 48 hours!

It turns out almost is the operative word. My part of the work permit packet was complete, but then my emails and voicemails went unanswered for the next 3 weeks. What happened!? I knew they had my email and phone number, yet received no reply for weeks on end.

To me, the consultancy wasn't just a 60 day gig that would give me something productive to do. It symbolized a path that could take me into development work, fund our ministry, legitimize our presence here. It meant a clear path where previously there were too many potential possibilities.

After a week and a half or so, I made peace with the door closing, but still I had questions, TONS of questions, and I wanted answers. Time and again I would pray and journal my questions of what, how, WHEN and why, only to hear a deafening silence in return. During a family devotional about a week ago, I was talking with the kids about these questions and felt God say, "You keep asking for answers, but answers are not what you need. You need comfort. Ask for comfort." So I determined to stop asking for answers; to instead seek His presence and comfort.

And then the call came.

Just as quickly as they'd disappeared, the employers were back and ready to move quickly to get me hired. They said the issues with my immigration status could be figured out with some creative use of the Covid 19 situation. They would write a letter misrepresenting my stay here and hopefully the powers that be would grant me a permit. This did not sit well with me, so I took a day to think, pray and seek counsel.

Why would this opportunity come back after I'd let it go? Was there a way for me to take it without compromising my integrity or jeopardizing our status here? My emotions were tossing me around like a rag doll. Then I remembered that I don't need the answers, I need His comfort.

I drove to Belizean friends' house and burst into tears on her couch Why was it so hard to let this opportunity go? Why was I fighting so hard? Through our conversation and prayer I was strengthened to let it go. Nothing was worth aligning myself with dishonesty. As I left her house, my phone rang. What is with their timing !

I immediately declined the job, but then was almost talked back into it, with them saying I wouldn't have to lie after all. My head was swimming all over again. Did this mean I could take it? Would everything be OK now? Did I pass the test? I took the rest of the evening to reflect.

Luke 4 tells of the time when Jesus was tempted by the devil. Verses 5-7 says, "Then the devil took him up and revealed to him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time. 'I will give you the glory of these kingdoms and authority over them,' the devil said, 'because they are mine to give to anyone I please. I will give it all to you if you will worship me.' ”

As I fought back and forth about whether or not to take the job, I felt that my flesh was wrestling against my spirit. I knew I shouldn't take the job. I wasn't comfortable with being ghosted for three weeks, or the encouragement to lie, among a few others things. But it was like I was being offered kingdoms and I just had to compromise here and misrepresent there. What a slithering snake he is!

After all that turmoil, I finally declined the position. I am trusting that whenever the right opportunity comes along, I won't have to chose between my own kingdom and His.

Yo, that's weak.

Things in Belize are starting to open up again, and with it, the opportunity to be out and about more often. This weekend we bounced around from activity to activity. We hosted people in our home, attended a birthday party in the village, and our first in-person church service in almost 3 months. We also held our (for now) final youth discipleship group - all while wearing masks in the 90+ degree heat.

In the midst of renewed busyness are the ever-present inconveniences of living in a developing and tropical location. We have learned first-hand that mango season coincides with mosquito and cockroach season. We've been told of, but have so far avoided, the even more dreaded tarantulas and scorpions. Our oven broke, our fridge has an ever-present puddle underneath, our water pitcher cracked. Little inconveniences that, when you are tired and hot, feel much bigger than they are.

Even more discouraging to me than these mini hardships is the reminder of my own weakness. I have been on heart medication since my pregnancy with Brooklyn, over 10 years ago. My activity level, caffeine consumption, sleep and stress levels all contribute to how well I feel on any given day. Coming back to Belize, I remember how active I was when, at 22, I last lived here. I'm realizing that 39 is a far-cry from 22.

During quarantine, I tried to incorporate some exercise into my routine, but after 2 sessions of low-impact workouts, I was stuck in bed for 2 days. Now, as I emerge back into the activity of "normal life," my body is once-again pushing back. I don't want to be held back. I want to take the heat and humidity in stride, not need to go home and rest after sitting in a hot church service for 2 hours. I don't want to have to contend with my own weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9 says, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me,'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' "

I don't want to deal with this when I believe in a miracle-working God. In my own wisdom, it makes more sense for me to have boundless energy to do the work He has for us here. Instead, while Eddie is up before dawn running with his Belizean running partner, I sleep-in, recovering from the heat. Weak.

Paul continues in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 to say, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

What a powerful thing to say and, even more so, embrace. The idea that because of (not despite) my weaknesses God's power will rest on me. I know, without a doubt, that if I could do everything I want to do, I wouldn't rely on His power to do it. I know if I could do everything, I wouldn't prayerfully weigh-out which opportunities to pursue. I'd do them all! This weakness brings me to my knees, seeking His strength, seeking His instruction and direction. And through that process, His will is done, His power is released into the work I do and He is glorified, instead of my own ego.