Digging up my talents

I was talking with someone here the other day and explaining that I am waiting to get really involved in things (volunteering etc) until I'm sure which direction to go in. There are just so many needs and I don't want to get pulled in several directions or commit to something and then pull-out.

My motive was to be intentional with how and where I invest my time, treasure and talents. The result was an increasingly isolated and insular lifestyle; not at all congruent with how I choose to live.

I heard myself giving explanation for my lack of involvement and the Spirit of God tugged my heart. Something was off and I needed to figure it out.

I took an afternoon last week to go to my old village and visit friends. I needed a break from homeschooling and the four walls of our rental home. I needed to connect with the people I love and to remember who I am.

That afternoon I went from house to house, visiting with old friends and new ones. One friend asked if I could teach her English and I readily agreed. It felt great to work with someone on a skill that will help elevate their life. I'm excited to visit weekly and invest in their family. The husband, who has been a friend for 16 years, is not a Christian and doesn't attend church with his wife. What an honor to bless their family in a practical way and show him (again) the servant heart of Jesus.

Another close friend's daughter is living near us in Belmopan and I got the impression that she is struggling. I connected with her last week on her birthday and had her over for dinner and ice cream. I reached out again this weekend and she confessed that she has been struggling with depression for months and could really use some support. She and I are now going to meet weekly. I will pray for her and do my best to shine a light in this dark place she is in.

In Matthew 25:14-30, Jesus tells the Parable of the Talents. In the story, a wealthy landowner is leaving to travel for an extended period of time and leaves his servants with talents (money) to invest for him until his return. Two of the servants invest and grow their master's money, while the third is too afraid to lose the money and so buries it instead of investing. When the landowner returns, he praises the obedient servants and punishes the third.

I realize I have been acting out of fear; or more accurately, I have not been acting out of fear. Like the third servant, I have been afraid of investing my talents in the wrong place, afraid of not getting a return, worried that I'll mess up my master's business. At first I didn't recognize what was going on because my perception was clouded by false logic and excuses. But now I see it clearly.

Thank God He didn't let me stay self deceived and get more and more wrapped up in my head. Instead, He put a finger on it and helped me see the truth. The truth is I have been given a lot and I am asked to invest it for Him. Mentoring a young woman and teaching a few English classes will not change the world. Soon enough we'll discover what the "PLAN" is for us being here and my time and talents will probably be used much differently. But in the meantime, I will dig up those buried talents and use them, not only for others and myself, but as a worship to my God.

Ambi-lievable!

Being new to the neighborhood (city, country), I am meeting new people all the time. Once I introduce myself, I then have to present myself to the other person. How do I get across who I am in 20 words or less? I'm not a singular thing. Is anyone?

There's a prefix: ambi-. It means both. Adjectives that describe that sense of being both, not one or the other, are words like ambidextrous or ambivert. In many ways I am ambi-. I am ambidextrous. I am also an ambivert: someone who is outgoing and friendly, but needs alone time to recharge.

Then there's ambivalence. Ambivalence is being repelled and attracted at the same time. Personally I hate the feeling of ambivalence. I want to know where I stand with something. Is it good or bad? Do I like it or not? I am a decisive person and I avoid ambivalence if I can. But ambivalence isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's just a bit more complicated. In working with youth I learned about embracing the "both and." Sometimes things are hard and still good. This move to Belize has been exciting and also sad.

My role here, for now, is ambiguous. It's hard to pinpoint and define. When people ask what I do, it gets complicated. I can talk about what I've done in the past, but for now I can't define my role. I typically say something along the lines of "We feel called by God to bless this country in whatever way we can." So cringingly ambiguous!

Being "ambi" can be off-putting and awkward when introducing yourself to others. I am American (and also Canadian). I am a wife and mother (and also a person in my own right). I am serious and I poke fun at almost everything. I am smart and passionate about the work I do, but I don't consider myself ambitious. I am hard to pinpoint and it's stressful for me to try to do that for others.

Psalm 139:14 says, "I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

As inconvenient and awkward as it sometimes is to be a complex human being, I recognize that all the seemingly contradictory things about me are what make me who I am.

I am ambivalent about making friends here. I am drawn to people and companionship, and I am discouraged by how long it takes to really connect with people. I'm going to have to slowly unveil who I am to those who want to get to know me. At the same time I will also need to resist the urge to put others in a box, and let them reveal the intricacies of who they are to me. It's hard, slow work and it's worth it.

Battle of wills

Parenting (and homeschooling) a 12 year old is a lot, especially when that child is a mini version of yourself. I know that, but this week I am discovering it anew.

Typically in life I'm a "live and let live" kind of person. Don't get me wrong; I prefer to help, support, and guide people, but if someone isn't interested in my help, I back off. It's their life. It's their call.

Then there's my son.

In his mind, he's got this. He knows exactly what matters in his life and what doesn't. He is super smart and lazy. I'm familiar with this combination because he got it from me. AJ has pretty high personal and professional goals and I want to help him develop the strategies and habits he'll need to reach them. He's not interested.

What I see and feel from him while trying to refine his writing (for example) is resistance, derision and disrespect. He says he's not trying to disrespect me, but he feels dumb and embarrassed that he's not good at whatever we're working on. Flashback to saxophone lessons from 1991 to 1998. I'm sitting in my living room with my orchestra teacher mother who is trying to help me get better at the sax. I am resistant, rude and disrespectful. I don't want to be better at it if it means putting work into it. Playing an instrument isn't my thing; it's hers. I am perfectly content to be mediocre.

I'm beginning to see his point. Our biggest point of contention right now is Spanish. Part of the friction is because I am prioritizing something for him that he doesn't prioritize for himself. AJ has been in dual-language schooling for 6 years. We put him into Spanish school since Kindergarten because Eddie and I both learned a second language at a young age and because we planned to one day move our family to Central America.

Now that we're here, AJ is resentful. Moving here wasn't his idea. In fact, as far as he's concerned, it has ruined his life. The first chance he gets he's headed back to North American soil to get his life plan back on track. Sigh...this is so hard for him. Digging in my heels to make him fully bilingual by the age of 15 isn't going to help him adjust to being here. Feeling secure and heard will help.

Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

As a mother, I feel responsible to prepare my kids for life. They will need knowledge, tools and skills to thrive as adults. But if the foundation of their worth is addled with doubt and insecurity, none of the rest of it matters.

Yes, AJ needs to work on his persistence and grit. Yes, knowing a second language is valuable in countless ways. But I'm the adult; he's not. He's 12 and right now, what matters most is that he sees that his parents love him and trust God to make his path straight.