
This week I've seen myself reacting to small things with big emotions- primarily anger. A disappointment was met with sadness and anger. An annoyance met with frustration and anger. An unexpected barrier at work triggered- you guessed it- anger. Why was I so volatile? Why did I have such a hair trigger? At home I wasn't feeling this way, but ministry and work were another story. So I've been thinking about it and praying, trying to figure it out.
In one instance I have been actively working to support a ministry for several years. After being away for some time, I returned only to feel like all the progress that was made had been undone. Ways that the ministry had developed in recent years to embrace new people and young families were nowhere to be seen. Not only was I saddened, but I was mad. I felt so disappointed and my hope for the ministry was shaken. I had to take a step back and make myself right with God, because in the moment I wanted to go off. I have to remind myself that even if I feel "sent" to support something, doesn't mean I am in charge or ultimately responsible for the results. I needed to let go of my urge to control.
Another time I was feeling Hulk-ish was when I was so looking forward to a time of spiritual refreshing and again I was disappointed. I had been putting my hope and expectation in others providing a spiritual experience for me. When their efforts fell short, I was indignant. I was disappointed and felt gypped of an experience they somehow "owed" me. When I saw what lay beneath my reactions, I was ashamed and had to repent. No one "owes" me anything. If I want a spiritual experience it is up to me to ask, seek and knock, not to nurture a sense of entitlement.
My last bad reaction came through the work I do for the restoration home. An expensive and important project I had been working on seemed like it would be delayed, causing a domino-effect which would affect colleagues and a partnering church. When others came in to trouble-shoot, I got defensive. Feeling like a failure, I wanted to drop the whole project. The problem wasn't the project. It wasn't the other's efforts to push past the roadblocks we were experiencing. The problem was my need to feel successful in my job and defensive when others stepped in to help.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Galatians 5:22-26
How about you? Do you experience sudden anger that you later attribute to a desire to control? Or to a sense of entitlement? Does your pride put you on the offense when things don't go the way you want? This week has been eye-opening. It's a reminder that I have a ways to go in "crucifying my flesh." But the realization is hopeful too; if I want to grow past these immature reactions, the Holy Spirit is available in me to produce a different kind of fruit in my life. In the meantime, I will fix my face, check my heart and move forward with grace for myself and others.
Sometimes we feel that we need to be in control. It doesn’t make us any less, or that you’re a failure. In fact it teaches us to take a step back and be grateful for those that are around us and supporting our efforts. We all need help from time to time. It just happened to get the best of you. You are an amazing spiritual leader. Things will work out 😊