I'm not really sure what to write this week. I'm currently trying to figure out if I'm experiencing the disillusionment of culture shock, grief over dead dreams, or just run-of-the-mill Covid fatigue. Maybe it's a bit of all three, and maybe labeling it is besides the point.
Last week, our family (sans AJ) went away for a few days to the coast. We'd been looking forward to a mini getaway since the smoky, burning days of dry season in quarantine. Due to Belize's borders being closed for several months, we were able to find a hotel for rock-bottom prices, in our favorite seaside town. It didn't dawn on me that this was the same town we had originally planned to move to, until we were driving down the peninsula. With every mile, a new wave of sadness hit. It culminated the next afternoon as we walked to the beach, passing the very property we had hoped to buy; its REMAX sign still pegged in the sand.
Logically I am relieved not to own a B&B in a tourist town during a worldwide pandemic. The toll it's taken on tourism and Belize's economy in particular has been devastating. But knowing something and feeling it are two different things.
Returning to Belmopan was depressing. I returned to a rented house full of someone else's furniture, still no job and the threat of another lock-down. I know eventually we will own our own house and feel more settled. I know eventually I will have a full life, not feel like I'm sitting around waiting for life to happen to me. And if we go into lock-down again, we'll get through it. But knowing something and feeling it are two different things.
I have been through hard seasons before. In fact, this time reminds me of other hard transitions I've been through; moving to Montreal and it taking 6 months to find a job, moving to Seattle only to have Eddie and baby AJ return to Canada for months, high-risk pregnancies and difficult postpartum recoveries... times of uncertainty and waiting have never been my "time to shine."
Matthew 6:25 says, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?"
Through every one of those seasons, my mind would race about the worries and obstacles ahead. I had to fight each day for peace and the patience to hang on. And more often than not, it's the inconsequential things that stress me out the most...What kind of house will we find? Will it be in a good neighborhood? Like it says above, there are more important things to think about!
Further down in Matthew 6: 33 it says, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Why do I allow my mind and feelings to run amok, when He holds the answers already?! If I will just quiet my thoughts and worries and focus on his kingdom, those details will be attended to. That has always been the case!
Verse 34 boils it all down for me: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
So, I am allowing myself to feel sad that our seaside dream is not happening. And I can understand why I'm feeling cooped up and useless in this season. But I'm going to do my best not to linger in those murky waters. I'm going to try to redirect my energy into seeking His kingdom in this season, so I can make the most of it and come out of it stronger than ever.