Miss Independent

September is Independence Month in Belize. Believe it or not, Belize and I are both 43 years old this year. A country's sovereignty over its own land and citizens is definitely worth celebrating and Belizeans go all-out in decorating and marking the occasion throughout the month of September.

Yesterday at work, during our weekly staff devotional, our conversation focused on how much we (I) want to control things. I want to make sure the work is done well, on-time and beyond expectations. I don't want to disappoint anyone, don't want to have to push-back deadlines or make things inconvenient for others. I want to be the consummate professional- diligent, capable, dependable. And yet, the circumstances of my work in opening the restoration home are not completely within my control. There are contractors, construction workers, teams of volunteers, coworkers, inspectors and government officials, each playing a part in the whole. This rattles me to no end.

There's something within me, still, that craves validation and fears disappointing others. Worse, I want to do it all by myself. I want to eliminate the barriers, knock down the obstacles and push through to the finish line. Sometimes this means ignoring signs that God has put up to slow me down. Sometimes this means ignoring God's quiet voice that says to wait until the right timing. And that's where I go wrong.

I go wrong in forgetting that everything I'm doing is part of a bigger plan. I forget that while I am an integral piece of the puzzle, I'm only a piece. I forget that God's priority is always the kingdom, always hearts and souls, where my priorities are checklists and deadlines.

In 2 Corinthians 1, Paul is writing to the church in Corinth, explaining that though he planned to make two trips to see them, he had to cancel his plans. The Corinthians are disappointed and Paul explains that though his plans didn't work out, God's promises are never thwarted. We, as believers can do our best to link-up with God's plans, but oftentimes we miss the bullseye. Those slip-ups aren't what's important. What's important, what's unchanging are God's promises to us and for us.

For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ.

And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. 2 Corinthians 1:20 

So while my plans are changeable and fallible, I can put my trust in Him who isn't. Independence from Him isn't something to celebrate; it's a sign that my faith is weak. It shows me that I'm still striving to be enough for others, instead of my worth being settled in the value He assigns to me. He says I'm enough. He tells me to rest in him and not strive. He asks me to depend on His strength when I am weak.

I encourage you to take stock in your own life and see if there are areas where you are clinging to perfectionism or hiding behind your independence from God. He desires to refresh you and release you from the burdens you carry.

Joy at Rock Bottom

At church this week, the pastor spoke about rejoicing, and it's root word: joy. The Bible has over 400 references to joy and rejoicing, many of which are in the context of things that shouldn't make someone joyful. We are commanded to "rejoice always" in 1 Thessalonians 5:16. We're told to "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds" in James chapter 1.

But how? Exactly how do I get joy out of circumstances that are beating me up? I know the definition of joy is not the same as happiness, but it's close enough that my brain has a hard time embracing the idea of having joy when I am far from happy.

Listening to this week's sermon, I got a new understanding of the Biblical meaning of joy. The pastor talked about being thankful in all circumstances, not for all circumstances. He said that joy supernaturally sustains and uplifts our souls in times of pain, heartache and sorrow. As he said that I imagined someone plummeting from a great height into a dark pit, but as they fell, a supernatural force slowed their descent and gently set them at rock bottom.

I have been in a pit before. I have felt rock bottom. And each time I find myself there, the last thing I want to do is "count it all joy." I don't feel happy. I'm not excited to be in the pit once again, but if I think about it, I can see how despite the emotional ups and downs, God sustains and uplifts my soul. My freefall stops just short of obliteration. Lying on the rock, clinging to what and who sustains me, might just be a more accurate picture of joy (for me) than dancing around with a tambourine.

Jesus told a short parable in the New Testament about building one's house in the rock.

Matthew 7:24-25  

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.”

Because of my faith and my relationship with Jesus, I can cling to his solid presence during the storm. When I freefall, the descent isn't never-ending. There is a limit to the hardship I experience and I can take joy in that. Seeing the ways in which I am protected, spared and saved is something I need to work on. So often my eyes focus on the darkness of the pit and the shrieking of the storm, not thanking God that He is with me in that very place and time.

Joy in this season isn't butterflies and rainbows, but it is solid, dependable. Like the pastor said, it's time to Enjoy the Lord.

Gotta fix my face

This week I've seen myself reacting to small things with big emotions- primarily anger. A disappointment was met with sadness and anger. An annoyance met with frustration and anger. An unexpected barrier at work triggered- you guessed it- anger. Why was I so volatile? Why did I have such a hair trigger? At home I wasn't feeling this way, but ministry and work were another story. So I've been thinking about it and praying, trying to figure it out.

In one instance I have been actively working to support a ministry for several years. After being away for some time, I returned only to feel like all the progress that was made had been undone. Ways that the ministry had developed in recent years to embrace new people and young families were nowhere to be seen. Not only was I saddened, but I was mad. I felt so disappointed and my hope for the ministry was shaken. I had to take a step back and make myself right with God, because in the moment I wanted to go off. I have to remind myself that even if I feel "sent" to support something, doesn't mean I am in charge or ultimately responsible for the results. I needed to let go of my urge to control.

Another time I was feeling Hulk-ish was when I was so looking forward to a time of spiritual refreshing and again I was disappointed. I had been putting my hope and expectation in others providing a spiritual experience for me. When their efforts fell short, I was indignant. I was disappointed and felt gypped of an experience they somehow "owed" me. When I saw what lay beneath my reactions, I was ashamed and had to repent. No one "owes" me anything. If I want a spiritual experience it is up to me to ask, seek and knock, not to nurture a sense of entitlement.

My last bad reaction came through the work I do for the restoration home. An expensive and important project I had been working on seemed like it would be delayed, causing a domino-effect which would affect colleagues and a partnering church. When others came in to trouble-shoot, I got defensive. Feeling like a failure, I wanted to drop the whole project. The problem wasn't the project. It wasn't the other's efforts to push past the roadblocks we were experiencing. The problem was my need to feel successful in my job and defensive when others stepped in to help.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Galatians 5:22-26

How about you? Do you experience sudden anger that you later attribute to a desire to control? Or to a sense of entitlement? Does your pride put you on the offense when things don't go the way you want? This week has been eye-opening. It's a reminder that I have a ways to go in "crucifying my flesh." But the realization is hopeful too; if I want to grow past these immature reactions, the Holy Spirit is available in me to produce a different kind of fruit in my life. In the meantime, I will fix my face, check my heart and move forward with grace for myself and others.