Hopefully Devoted

Can I tell you a secret? I hate devotional tools. After over 4 years of writing this blog, and over 100 entries, this admission may be the final nail in the coffin for some of my readers. I know there are millions of people who grow & thrive on reading daily articles, blurbs and prayers written by other people, but I'm not one of them. Devotional tools, such as books or email mailouts just don't do it for me, I'm afraid.

I wish I liked them. I wish I could wake up every morning, open My Daily Bread (or any number of other devotional books) and really appreciate & feast on what is written. It would be satisfying, I think, to be able to check-off that spiritual discipline before I even finish my corn flakes. Alas, that has rarely ever worked for me.

I've had seasons when I have devoted a tithe (10%) of my wakeful hours to Bible study. I have had years where I read my Bible and journaled daily. I have had desperate times when all I could do was put on worship music, lay down and cry day after day- too heartbroken to open my Bible or pick up a book. Recently my devotion is an ongoing conversation with God, as I go about my day, eventually diving into the Word when I've organized my thoughts enough to hear something in return.

I don't like that my devotion isn't as neat and tidy as others'; I look forward to the next evolution of my devotion, whatever that might be. But in the meantime it's real and that matters, I think.

John 15: 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself;

it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you,

you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

With the new year underway, and my new job providing fresh excitement and perspective, I want to lean into my devotion to God; not just that which is measurable, but my heart's connection to my savior, redeemer and refuge. In 2024 I will remain hopefully devoted to Him.

At Long Last

It has been 18 long months of writing proposals, red tape and waiting. Many of you have been praying alongside me during this time. I can enthusiastically announce today that I am officially the Shelter Supervisor for Agape International Missions Belize's (AIM Belize) AIM Restoration Home, which will be a long-term shelter program for young people coming out of sex trafficking.

If you regularly read my blog, you know how much I've struggled and stressed, hoping, waiting and despairing that it was taking so long. The faith journey is a hard one when the promises you're holding onto are nowhere in sight. Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

This waiting in faith reminds me of the Christmas story. I'm currently leading our church's production of a Christmas play, which highlights humanity's long anticipated arrival of a Savior. The human heart knows there's something more to existence than the tangible life we see around us. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." The spirit yearns to encounter something or someone who will make sense of the chaos, relieve us from pain and give us hope and meaning. Christ's birth fulfilled centuries of anticipation, giving humanity a picture of God in the flesh.

I am filled with hope as we scurry into the Christmas season; reminded that God's promises are "yes and Amen," that He is still in the business of rescuing hearts and lives out of darkness; that His return is another long-awaited promise to be fulfilled.

If you are heart sick from the wait, I'm praying for you in this season. If you find yourself wondering about the Christ part of Christmas, I pray that you would open yourself up to what He might do if you let Him in. His presence is worth the wait.

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To learn more about AIM, follow the link to their website here: aimfree.org

For info specific to their expansion into Belize, follow this link: aimfree.org/belize

To Walk and Not Faint

Being a long-term missionary has, time and again, been a lesson in humility. Having been exposed to missions throughout my life, I had a good handle of the pressures and pitfalls of missionary life. Since childhood I observed my parents and other missionaries struggle to make decisions that they hoped were for the best of their families. Where to attend church, where in the community to live, whether to homeschool their children or not...all of these considerations have real-life long-term implications.

One such decision that missionaries make is concerning vacation and rest. When people live off of the generosity of others' financial support, the idea of taking a vacation is terrifying. There's an unspoken understanding that to serve overseas full-time is to forego vacation indefinitely. After all, isn't missionary life glamourous? Doesn't serving the Lord fill you with unending joy and vigor? I can't tell you how many times people have asked if living in Belize feels like I'm on vacation all the time. The short and resounding answer is "No, not even a little."

Living in a foreign culture, dealing with governmental red-tape, often within a lower standard of living than you had "back home" wears on you. Being watched and observed as a white person wears on you. Continually putting yourself out there to make friends and build relationships is wearing. Not having family around is lonely. The constant worry of being under-funded only adds to the stress. Stressful enough to wonder if, four years in, it's time to throw in the towel.

When your soul is done, but the Spirit hasn't released you to leave, what do you do? You keep trying. You look for resources that might help. You reach out to friends and ask for prayer. You pray and ask for breakthrough and you keep doing what you came to do. Over a year ago I started back on depression medication. Recently Eddie and I reached out for pastoral support from a nonprofit organization. And still we are worn out and feeling "done."

When I was a young 22 year-old serving in Belize for a year, I didn't understand the mental and emotional toll that more seasoned missionaries withstand. I was naïve, thinking I could integrate so thoroughly that I wouldn't feel the loss of "home" so acutely. Actually, during that year I did integrate and wasn't ready to leave when the year was up. Living here long-term is another thing entirely. It's something you don't understand until you live it.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

The Bible promises that hope in the Lord will sustain us. If we aren't soaring, maybe we can run. If running is too much, He can help us not to faint. Lately, my hope in the Lord sustains me enough to get through one day at a time; hanging on to His promises. With His help, I will walk and not faint.

An important part of this walk is not to walk it alone. Connecting face-to-face with close friends is crucial. I've decided to take the time and resources to meet-up with a soul sister next month for a few days. We'll travel to a city where neither of us has attachments and connect with each other. We'll laugh and cry and pray and encourage each other to keep walking. There may be some who will see my social media posts and won't understand the importance of this trip and I'm ok with that. I will gladly invest in relationship and well-being if it will help me hold on.

Please pray for our family as we continue to seek ways to walk and not faint.