Breakdown before Breakthrough

More and more lately my thumb scrolls through discount airfare websites, looking for a cheap and easy exit. The airports are open, my bags are mentally packed. But I'm not hitting the "purchase" key just yet. If I do, I worry I won't come back.

I'm holding on. Barely. Believing that breakthrough is coming. Believing that my sacrifice and submission to the Lord's call is seen; counts for something. Over the last year and a half I've had other periods of lows. Times when I've counted the cost and felt the burden heavy, the yoke anything but light. I always climb out, slowly but surely. His presence is with me, even in those dark times.

I'm comforted by the words of David, a man after God's heart, and a periodic depressive, like me.

Psalm 13

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, 4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.

His words remind me my situation is not unique and I have a good God who hears me. Sometimes in life we experience a breakdown before our breakthrough, but that breakthrough is still on its way.

The Trouble With Holding My Breath

We've all heard the old adage, "Don't hold your breath" used to warn people from hoping too hard or waiting too long for something that isn't guaranteed. This bit of wisdom tells us that some quick fixes don't work for the long-term. Sure, we can hold our breath as we make a birthday wish, but holding our breath while giving birth is definitely not advised. Some things that are harmless in one context are toxic or dangerous in another.

The trouble with holding my breath is that the air that was once fresh turns toxic almost immediately. Instead of nourishing my body, it starts to poison me from the inside. When I grip tightly onto a desired outcome, whether it's a job, a house, vacation or any number of desires, that thing starts to decay in my grasp just as quickly. While it may be a good thing, beneficial even, if I hold tightly onto it, it too can poison me from the inside.

I've been holding my breath lately, feeling like breakthrough is just around the corner and envisioning a particular way for things to work out. Hope and excitement are good feelings, but just like I can't live, move, and thrive without breath, I can't hold-on for a specific outcome forever.

So how do I cling to hope without counting on a specific outcome? How do I breathe in and out, through the hope, the waiting and hopefully the realization of my dreams? I think God is in process of showing me how and it has to do with exchanging my stale breath with His, letting Him breathe into my dreams and blow them up bigger than I had ever foreseen.

Isaiah 61:3

"...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,

the oil of joy instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

To the naysayers, devils and demons that think I'm down for the count: Don't hold your breath.

(Re)Lent

The season of time leading up to Easter, called Lent, is often a time when people "get serious" about spiritual disciplines, like fasting meat and giving up sweets. This year, I am challenged to redefine Lent for myself. Instead of adding requirements and hoops to jump through, I'm going to (re)Lent.

The word RELENT has 2 meanings. The first is to become less severe, harsh, or strict, usually for reasons of humanity. In this season, I hear God whispering to relent. To judge yourself less severely. To speak to yourself less harshly. To accept your humanity and stop punishing yourself for your failures and sin. He's asking you to put down the weapons you use to inflict self harm, to relent the onslaught against your soul.

We can be incredibly judgmental and cruel to ourselves, criticizing ourselves far more harshly than we would a friend or stranger. That inner voice can cut us down, make us feel stupid and worthless. Some of us have that voice on repeat, beating us down relentlessly. It acts as a barrier to us accepting forgiveness and intimacy with God, who we deem to be out of our reach.

Romans 5:8

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

The second definition of relent is to cease resistance : to GIVE IN. If you're brave enough to put down your weapons, will you also take the next step and cease resisting His love? Will you throw down your weapons and your shields? Will you lower your defenses and let Him in? Will you give in to His quiet call, His gentle touch?

The path to the cross was one of surrender, sacrifice and great love. There's nothing I could ever do to earn it, but I can, and should, honor it. This year, to honor what He did for me I'm going to practice relenting. I'm going to extend grace to myself, accepting my humanity. If God sees my worth, I'm not going to doubt it. I'm going to give-in to the move and leading of the Holy Spirit. If He's up to something I want to be in lock-step with Him. All He asks is for me to re(Lent).